July 9

Wow, it's 2:22 am and I just finished Eclipse, that addictive book about a clumsy girl caught between werewolves and vampires. Usually when I get so attached to a book I start feeling antsy towards the end, then once I've finished I feel sad, almost detached since I have to re-enter my reality and let go of the fantasy. Right now, I'm almost fuming and guilty through comparison. The main character, Bella, ended up talking about how Jacob was her "sun" and her natural soul mate, and it was inferred that Edward was even more than a soul mate. I myself, am pessimistic, but yearn for that completion that Bella could easily have.

My first try at love deterred me from trust or even a desire to try. I've gone along with several guys, making them feel very comfortable until I saw through their disguise - then I'd bolt, which is so obviously unhealthy, especially when I see it written like this, so much more tangible and pathetic. Generally, the majority of the male population has done nothing but pressure me because of something I make them feel unknowingly, or make me feel uncomfortable for other reasons. Regardless of this slight void, I feel like I've been disconnected from who I was (or still am in some ways) for years, and am now just rediscovering that perspective of a girl who dreamed all day and all night, and never dreamed of the heartache associated with malicious intent or sheer stupidity. During nights like this I pray for forgiveness from Allah, God, I am, Jesus, whatever you want to call he/she, and let my thoughts run wild.

My new plan, not fleeting or harebrained like usual; stay independent 100% until something changes inside of me, until I feel like a younger version of myself if thats possible.

I'm not depressed by any of this romantic rambling, on the contrary it makes me realize how much I already have. I'm grateful for my family; my smart and determined brother Ted, I'm sure his visions will go far; my sweet and selfless mother who makes me feel so comfortable and safe while whipping me in line at the same time; my amusing and humble father who plays the guitar daily and welcomes making a fool of himself if it makes others comfortable.
Also, I have some wonderful friends of whom I won't go into detail because if I write nice things about everyone I love I'll never get to sleep.

Just looking at all the opportunities I've been given; working as a bartender, helping with web sites, weddings, teaching kids, companionship (never mind parallel structure) - I realize more that I don't deserve any of it, not one bit. Which furthermore strengthens my desire to finish college quickly while doing local volunteer work so that I can join the Peace Corps. and make some changes.

Once again, I feel silly posting this since I wrote it for myself, but I'm not really ashamed of any of my analysis or goals, so I won't delete it (...yet).