I know I said I was limiting my journalling to paper, but I'm currently at the U of R library with only scraps of paper from previous shopping trips and I pathetic pen - so I think that this situation calls for online reflection.
Thus far, Mo and I have lugged our things into Elmwood Manor, signed tons of forms, and bid our families farewell. I feel genuinely optimistic about this next year living with Mo away from RIT. I haven't obtained any emotional wounds this summer and am ready to jump fervently into classes and work (if you can separate the two). I'm going over the recommended course load, but I spoke with Doug Rea my advisor the other day and he said he wasn't too concerned "Most students overload because they need to catch up or are transferring in, your motivation is very different." After declining some loans yesterday, I emailed a ceramics professor about auditing his intro course. The freedom to experiment with clay this summer was SO NICE and I want to continue the therapy related to the art form.
I think Mo's done with her "Tuesday's with Maureen" blog, so I'm going to scoooot.
One last thought; why is life so damn expensive? Rent, internet, basic food groups, parking permits, school books!!!!!!!! Will this madness ever cease?
Peace. :)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
August 2nd, moving and shit
Whew, what a day today was. I woke up a little after 9 and plowed on to 3 yard sales with my parents. Our initial attempt was fatally fruitless and the second had already been ravaged by the damn early birds who always get the worm. I did, however, get a lovely little yellow lamp for 3 dollas. Then, came a wave of packing which has and always will consist of my inner urge to be sucked into contemplation of all of my old memories which are somehow still preserved in the most inconspicuous object. As always, I have to fight a bit against that nostalgia in order to actually make progress.
I'm bringing a box of my old journals up to Rochester though, in the hopes that I can form some project out of my old rambles. It would be wonderful to have a crazy multimedia wall of recollections and the ever changing present into past. Alas, the passage of time. I can only begin to imagine what it must seem like to my wonderful parents, seeing their daughter move out and into her first apartment. Hypothetically, if I was helping my child move out, I would feel relief at giving him or her a life his or her own, a plethora of hope towards his or her life, but also sadness at separation. The continuity of life is such a grand wonder!
It's 11:33 and I'm squatting on my ground since we already moved my chair into the van. I have to get up at 7 tomorrow and I should go to sleep. But first some pics of this dwindling summer in Pittsburgh.
On the left is Marcus aka "Omish Mike" and on the right is my absolute favorite customer Roland. He comes in every day at 5 for happy hour (which is actually two hours... weird...) and gets the Yuengling draft for 2 dollars instead of 2.75 during regular hours. He has a wonderful Mass. accent and tons of stories which I enjoy listening to. I'll have to scan in this astrological chart he gave me my last week there. But since it's late, I'll sleep now and stick to my paper journal next week since I'm not bringing my computer yet.
I'm bringing a box of my old journals up to Rochester though, in the hopes that I can form some project out of my old rambles. It would be wonderful to have a crazy multimedia wall of recollections and the ever changing present into past. Alas, the passage of time. I can only begin to imagine what it must seem like to my wonderful parents, seeing their daughter move out and into her first apartment. Hypothetically, if I was helping my child move out, I would feel relief at giving him or her a life his or her own, a plethora of hope towards his or her life, but also sadness at separation. The continuity of life is such a grand wonder!
It's 11:33 and I'm squatting on my ground since we already moved my chair into the van. I have to get up at 7 tomorrow and I should go to sleep. But first some pics of this dwindling summer in Pittsburgh.
On the left is Marcus aka "Omish Mike" and on the right is my absolute favorite customer Roland. He comes in every day at 5 for happy hour (which is actually two hours... weird...) and gets the Yuengling draft for 2 dollars instead of 2.75 during regular hours. He has a wonderful Mass. accent and tons of stories which I enjoy listening to. I'll have to scan in this astrological chart he gave me my last week there. But since it's late, I'll sleep now and stick to my paper journal next week since I'm not bringing my computer yet.
Friday, August 1, 2008
August 1st recollection
Last night was a boisterous girl's night with Lis and Laura. We drank a bit of red wine and had animated discussions until 3 or 4, finally passing out on the lawn chairs. Around 7 we relocated to the basement where Addy kept my feet warm with her little Italian greyhound body. I had the weirdest dream that Laura was arrested for murder or kleptomania by an annoying little girl and I was trying to prove her innocence. In the morning some celebration for Lis's bday, then at my house she napped while I packed up my bathroom stuff. I have A LOT more packing to do, but I feel very unmotivated. There's a shit load of glitter on the ground from an accidental avalanche and I just made myself drink some milk because I may or may not have just swallowed a bit of paint... That might sound random, but I decided to spice up some dollar store frames with a painting effort. I was mixing some acrylic yellow onto a turquoises frame but it needed a solvent and I didn't feel like getting up so I spit on my finger. Then in the bathroom I realized there was paint on my lips. I hope I don't accidentally kill myself with a lapse of judgment like that..
Now for the recollections and analysis pertaining to this past weeeeeeek...
This is one of the luck recipients of the spider man paint job. I did about 5 before running out of the red face paint. Volunteering at the North side festival was really fun, especially the part where a little girl asked for hello kitty with flames in the background (copying the flames from the boy I'd painted previously, not thinking that it would look like hello kitty was on fire).
Jeff at MCG with his FABULOUS flava flav dragon. He runs a bicycle magazine and works with the digital studio and is kick-ass.
It was Doston's 40th birthday this past Monday, and he was bummed that we didn't put his name on the board. Once Terry got in I told her to put it on. Doston is a skinny, squirrelly man who comes in and orders Budweiser bottles. He seemed very lonely, but also very proud of the family ties he has. He hit on me a little, following suite with the other tipsy old men, but then realized "you're only a year older than my daughter." Then he want on to show me a picture and talk about how he misses seeing her.
I have a ton more photos I wanted to talk about, but I'm loosing my train of thought like no other. If I don't wake up tomorrow because of the paint predicament, I want it to be known that I hold no grudges and died with love in my heart... hehe...
Now for the recollections and analysis pertaining to this past weeeeeeek...
This is one of the luck recipients of the spider man paint job. I did about 5 before running out of the red face paint. Volunteering at the North side festival was really fun, especially the part where a little girl asked for hello kitty with flames in the background (copying the flames from the boy I'd painted previously, not thinking that it would look like hello kitty was on fire).
Jeff at MCG with his FABULOUS flava flav dragon. He runs a bicycle magazine and works with the digital studio and is kick-ass.
It was Doston's 40th birthday this past Monday, and he was bummed that we didn't put his name on the board. Once Terry got in I told her to put it on. Doston is a skinny, squirrelly man who comes in and orders Budweiser bottles. He seemed very lonely, but also very proud of the family ties he has. He hit on me a little, following suite with the other tipsy old men, but then realized "you're only a year older than my daughter." Then he want on to show me a picture and talk about how he misses seeing her. I have a ton more photos I wanted to talk about, but I'm loosing my train of thought like no other. If I don't wake up tomorrow because of the paint predicament, I want it to be known that I hold no grudges and died with love in my heart... hehe...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Recent Developments
All four generations of my family in one crammed hotel room.
My uncle Jim and aunt Khahn. Lovely couple!
This picture is 100% Elisa and Juliet.
One of the famous Key West sunsets from Mallory square.
Kyle and Lis at the Drag show.
Lis and her baby brother Hunter.
Repetition.
In Miami.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
July 9th
Random Pictures from last week I've been meaning to put up!
Melly pondering life through my moon roof.
A view going down the incline with Lily and Melly.
On the way back up the incline, this little man was playing with his phone or some electronic device and it kept beeping (very annoying, reminiscent of childhood video games). Then Melly goes "it's like there's a weird little man playing something up there."
Lily and I look at each other for a second, then burst out laughing because her statement, unknown to her, was oh so true.
First a picture through the window...
Followed by an attempt to take one without the inhibiting glass...
Melly pondering life through my moon roof.
A view going down the incline with Lily and Melly.
On the way back up the incline, this little man was playing with his phone or some electronic device and it kept beeping (very annoying, reminiscent of childhood video games). Then Melly goes "it's like there's a weird little man playing something up there."Lily and I look at each other for a second, then burst out laughing because her statement, unknown to her, was oh so true.
First a picture through the window...
Followed by an attempt to take one without the inhibiting glass...
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
July 9
Wow, it's 2:22 am and I just finished Eclipse, that addictive book about a clumsy girl caught between werewolves and vampires. Usually when I get so attached to a book I start feeling antsy towards the end, then once I've finished I feel sad, almost detached since I have to re-enter my reality and let go of the fantasy. Right now, I'm almost fuming and guilty through comparison. The main character, Bella, ended up talking about how Jacob was her "sun" and her natural soul mate, and it was inferred that Edward was even more than a soul mate. I myself, am pessimistic, but yearn for that completion that Bella could easily have.
My first try at love deterred me from trust or even a desire to try. I've gone along with several guys, making them feel very comfortable until I saw through their disguise - then I'd bolt, which is so obviously unhealthy, especially when I see it written like this, so much more tangible and pathetic. Generally, the majority of the male population has done nothing but pressure me because of something I make them feel unknowingly, or make me feel uncomfortable for other reasons. Regardless of this slight void, I feel like I've been disconnected from who I was (or still am in some ways) for years, and am now just rediscovering that perspective of a girl who dreamed all day and all night, and never dreamed of the heartache associated with malicious intent or sheer stupidity. During nights like this I pray for forgiveness from Allah, God, I am, Jesus, whatever you want to call he/she, and let my thoughts run wild.
My new plan, not fleeting or harebrained like usual; stay independent 100% until something changes inside of me, until I feel like a younger version of myself if thats possible.
I'm not depressed by any of this romantic rambling, on the contrary it makes me realize how much I already have. I'm grateful for my family; my smart and determined brother Ted, I'm sure his visions will go far; my sweet and selfless mother who makes me feel so comfortable and safe while whipping me in line at the same time; my amusing and humble father who plays the guitar daily and welcomes making a fool of himself if it makes others comfortable.
Also, I have some wonderful friends of whom I won't go into detail because if I write nice things about everyone I love I'll never get to sleep.
Just looking at all the opportunities I've been given; working as a bartender, helping with web sites, weddings, teaching kids, companionship (never mind parallel structure) - I realize more that I don't deserve any of it, not one bit. Which furthermore strengthens my desire to finish college quickly while doing local volunteer work so that I can join the Peace Corps. and make some changes.
Once again, I feel silly posting this since I wrote it for myself, but I'm not really ashamed of any of my analysis or goals, so I won't delete it (...yet).
My first try at love deterred me from trust or even a desire to try. I've gone along with several guys, making them feel very comfortable until I saw through their disguise - then I'd bolt, which is so obviously unhealthy, especially when I see it written like this, so much more tangible and pathetic. Generally, the majority of the male population has done nothing but pressure me because of something I make them feel unknowingly, or make me feel uncomfortable for other reasons. Regardless of this slight void, I feel like I've been disconnected from who I was (or still am in some ways) for years, and am now just rediscovering that perspective of a girl who dreamed all day and all night, and never dreamed of the heartache associated with malicious intent or sheer stupidity. During nights like this I pray for forgiveness from Allah, God, I am, Jesus, whatever you want to call he/she, and let my thoughts run wild.
My new plan, not fleeting or harebrained like usual; stay independent 100% until something changes inside of me, until I feel like a younger version of myself if thats possible.
I'm not depressed by any of this romantic rambling, on the contrary it makes me realize how much I already have. I'm grateful for my family; my smart and determined brother Ted, I'm sure his visions will go far; my sweet and selfless mother who makes me feel so comfortable and safe while whipping me in line at the same time; my amusing and humble father who plays the guitar daily and welcomes making a fool of himself if it makes others comfortable.
Also, I have some wonderful friends of whom I won't go into detail because if I write nice things about everyone I love I'll never get to sleep.
Just looking at all the opportunities I've been given; working as a bartender, helping with web sites, weddings, teaching kids, companionship (never mind parallel structure) - I realize more that I don't deserve any of it, not one bit. Which furthermore strengthens my desire to finish college quickly while doing local volunteer work so that I can join the Peace Corps. and make some changes.
Once again, I feel silly posting this since I wrote it for myself, but I'm not really ashamed of any of my analysis or goals, so I won't delete it (...yet).
Saturday, July 5, 2008
July 5th
Today was slightly more productive than yesterday, but still very relaxing. Right now, Kelly and I are documenting in our own ways. She is sitting beside me on the gray fold-out chair writing all of her recollections down. She just reminded me, "Don't forget to write that you peeled skin off of my back today!" Which, by the way, was actually very interesting, the dead skin peeled off like glue, and I felt like a kid again. This simple act reminded us of apes picking off fleas from their family, and I must mention that I don't get how people deny evolution. Yet, everyone is entitled to their belief, and I certainly have my fair share.
Sitting here with Kelly is unique in that I have never blogged with anyone in the room before, yet I feel totally comfortable. We've only met four times; the first time a couple years ago after she had appendicitis, then a few trips to and from. All in all, I feel incredibly lucky and fortunate to have her here.
Anyways, here's my photo archive from today, including the Science Center with Nate and Kelly (we saw this woman burn flombee during this as well) and chillin' in general.
In the morning; Kelly is comfortable on the floor.
Nate having just enough fun :)
What's the point of showing what time it was a half an hour ago? Seriously...?
Sitting here with Kelly is unique in that I have never blogged with anyone in the room before, yet I feel totally comfortable. We've only met four times; the first time a couple years ago after she had appendicitis, then a few trips to and from. All in all, I feel incredibly lucky and fortunate to have her here.
Anyways, here's my photo archive from today, including the Science Center with Nate and Kelly (we saw this woman burn flombee during this as well) and chillin' in general.
In the morning; Kelly is comfortable on the floor.Nate having just enough fun :)
What's the point of showing what time it was a half an hour ago? Seriously...?
Friday, July 4, 2008
July 4th
The fourth of July, a day to remember since 1776. Today I commemorated the special day with my lovely cousin and friend Kelly. We woke up around 9 and made eggs over easy and cantelope with Morning Sunshine tea. Then came a long walk with a nostalgic destination in mind. Back in my innocent years I used to go on long walks and long talks with this spiritual boy. We've lost touch in recent years, but I will never forget feeling so moved by the rhythmic pacing and exploring around Ben Avon. Right off "The Knob" past the petroleum pipe, a path leads down until a clearing reveals the naked vulnerability of a developing and festering landscape.
Sadly, a lot of the trees that had previously been there were removed. I just stood there dumbfounded for a moment, realizing that it appeared much different for Kelly. To the outsider, it's just a sparse clearing leading into the woods, but my memories made the destruction meaningful.
Afterwards we went on a voyage to photograph Anthony's from a vantage point (for their web site), then grabbed some cappuccinos at the A. I'm so glad she didn't have to work at her cafe back in Jersey so that she could come visit.
The A closed at 3, so we left and ended up home with the first season of Grey's Anatomy. It's amazing how the show just sucks you in with all of the inner and outer plot dramas. Obviously it takes a lot of self-control to stop watching... we ended up watching a ton of it.
Then came the grand feature of the day - a crazy drive downtown to see the fire works. I love seeing all of the bodies lining the west end bridge and all of the cars pulled over waiting for the grand feature: fire works.
We had to weave around a bunch of cops and ambulance vehicles, and ended up turning around a couple times, but we ended up at the perfect vantage point. So much better than Bellevue :)
On the ride back, I think we both let our inevitable guards down and talked about life issues which most people hide and hide. It's such a powerful gift; sharing. Through opening up a little, you realize that you're not alone.
All in all, today was a great break from the usual grind, and I am tired.
Sadly, a lot of the trees that had previously been there were removed. I just stood there dumbfounded for a moment, realizing that it appeared much different for Kelly. To the outsider, it's just a sparse clearing leading into the woods, but my memories made the destruction meaningful.
Afterwards we went on a voyage to photograph Anthony's from a vantage point (for their web site), then grabbed some cappuccinos at the A. I'm so glad she didn't have to work at her cafe back in Jersey so that she could come visit.
The A closed at 3, so we left and ended up home with the first season of Grey's Anatomy. It's amazing how the show just sucks you in with all of the inner and outer plot dramas. Obviously it takes a lot of self-control to stop watching... we ended up watching a ton of it.
Then came the grand feature of the day - a crazy drive downtown to see the fire works. I love seeing all of the bodies lining the west end bridge and all of the cars pulled over waiting for the grand feature: fire works.
We had to weave around a bunch of cops and ambulance vehicles, and ended up turning around a couple times, but we ended up at the perfect vantage point. So much better than Bellevue :)
On the ride back, I think we both let our inevitable guards down and talked about life issues which most people hide and hide. It's such a powerful gift; sharing. Through opening up a little, you realize that you're not alone.
All in all, today was a great break from the usual grind, and I am tired.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
July 2nd
I've always thought it was a good quality - the ability to easily change my mind once given a good enough reason. Yet, as of late, I've come to believe that this personality trait has managed to mangle my sense of direction. I'm a fixed point in Pittsburgh, flying around from job to job, book to book, friend to friend. I'm going to listen to a quote that I found meaningful last year when I was going through my Massive Attack frenzy:
"They say don't lay your eggs in one basket
If the basket should fall all the eggs'll be broken
But I believe in one love
I believe in one love"
Together with one love, I need to keep my life fixed in one direction. I need to not loose sight of what I need to be doing in the world through wonderful distractions.
Therefore, I will keep this blog, since it easy an easy forum for uploading pictures and thoughts alike. I've only told a couple people about it, so this will be less of a "communicative effort" and more of an internal discussion board.
"They say don't lay your eggs in one basket
If the basket should fall all the eggs'll be broken
But I believe in one love
I believe in one love"
Together with one love, I need to keep my life fixed in one direction. I need to not loose sight of what I need to be doing in the world through wonderful distractions.
Therefore, I will keep this blog, since it easy an easy forum for uploading pictures and thoughts alike. I've only told a couple people about it, so this will be less of a "communicative effort" and more of an internal discussion board.
Monday, June 23, 2008
June 23rd
After this entry, I'm done with blogging. I've realized that I write for my own analysis, not for other's viewing. I'll continue to "journal" but no more "blog." Blogging has been such a fad for me 0 i picked it up excitedly after Ted's suggestion and now I'm droppin' it like it's hot. Besides, the whole bar tending/ MCG/ catering employment has me tremendously busy.
It just doesn't make sense, nobody cares anyways (which is for the better). But, just in case anyone was, I wish you the best!
It just doesn't make sense, nobody cares anyways (which is for the better). But, just in case anyone was, I wish you the best!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
June 14th
The other night when I was really sick, Lis came over to amuse me. So we ended up making invitations to her grad party for awhile, then she started feeling bad for me after plain white rice killed my belly. Look at her face below. Ah!
I took this photograph a couple days ago. I love that my parents are still happy and a team. Ideally, I want to eventually have a working marriage like they do.
June 12th
Lil poem
From the same roots,
I know we'll each explore uninhibited,
The world that isn't ready for us.
Together, making food and frames,
We realize we're not that different after all,
United we're stronger and find comfort.
Goodnight!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
June 11th
(1:48) http://youtube.com/watch?v=amwVyRH2B8A(1:04pm)On the bright side, this damn virus has given me much-needed evaluation time. For the most part, when people get sick, they turn to religion for spiritual relief. Although I feel lame by becoming so interested now that I'm bathroom ridden most of the day, I think it's time for me to explore religion further, especially once I'm better.
I've been searching Sister Wendy's American Collection, and came across an Iranian Mihrab, a "prayer niche" built out of tiles and inscribed with three different kinds of intricate calligraphy. The calligraphy dictates the duties of a devout Muslim: to profess the faith; to be true to the ritual hours of prayer; to give alms; to keep the fast of Ramadan; to go on pilgrimage to Mecca. At the very heart of the mihrab it reads "for the devout, the Mosque is home." Aesthetically, the tiles also have further meaning since the light that plays on it throughout the day changes; this symbolizes what it is to be human--subject to change, while God is not.
It's rarely too late to change, and I'm still young. If I work at collecting more knowledge and good intention, life will be what it should.
(10:30am)I've never posted so early, but it's been such a miserable tumultuous night I don't have anything more fulfilling to occupy my time with. Until 5am i suffered frequent bathroom trips and severe abdominal pain. I checked my appendix and it doesn't hurt more than any other part of my stomach, I'm ruling that out. It's either a virus or bacteria, both of which I'm going to have to deal with for another 3 days until I can go back to the doctor (her orders). I checked the scale 5 minutes ago due to a hunch, and I've lost 7 damn pounds within the past 3 days. Hopefully this will just naturally go away asap, I want to function like a normal human being - go on a run in the morning eat some toast with honey and butter, drink coffee, then make some mugs and bowls, then hang out with some friends.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
June 10
Hereby follows one of those long, drawn-out rants that end up being therapeutic but not fun to read back later on down the line.
Today was one of those shitty Pittsburgh days I used to have back in the day... the kind of days you forget about when reminiscing about that walk in the park and that trip to the show.
It started around 12am. I drove into Bellevue so that I could take the bus to Manchester to save money on gas and parking since I had interview #2 at Clean Water Action. I still couldn't (and can't) eat much because of the horrible stomach thing, so I was about to buy a bottle of water at the Dollar General before the bus came. Just before I got in line this woman with a ton of stuff stepped in front of me. While the woman and the cashier were discussing a dress the woman was buying, I saw my bus out front. I left the bottle on the counter with an apologetic, "I'm sorry, it's my bus" and dashed out.
"Creepy Guy #1"
After I'm sitting comfortably in the very back of the bus, right in the center where I always sit, this white trash boy named Dan or John or something sits beside me. I glance over and he's hiding something beside his left hand, I couldn't tell if he was texting or doing something shady. Then he proceeds to start awkward conversation, listing all of his good qualities, "I have some classy ancestry, they won't anything to do with my immediate family though, I still have upper crust leanings though, when I drink tea my pinky goes up." Following that charming comment he told me that he was off probation from a felony, but he still couldn't travel very much because of it. I asked him why, hell it could be interesting, why not ask? So he told me his mother died and he needed money for the funeral so he robbed some friends. I felt a sympathetic, but not sympathetic enough to give him my real number.
Then I got off of the bus pretty far away from the Guild (I should have taken 17B instead of 16B), so I had to walk through the ghetto for a half an hour. While walking, I saw a man with buttons all over his shirt, one of which read "I <3 life." I noticed a mad gleam in his eye, and walked a bit faster, wondering if I should go against instinct and take his picture while he called "you look really good!"
After a boring hour of watching him call people, we ended up doing the same. At first I had false confidence - I am too amiable on the phone, but nobody ever cared at Telefund... I only got through to five people. Two of them hung up, the other one was on the other line with someone, and the other two just said "sorry, I'm not interested." Other than that I got a lot of answering machines and no answers. For the first time all night I started to feel nervous, he said that if we didn't make any money we wouldn't be hired.
Sure enough, he disposed of Jacquelle outside, then came back to tell me with brevity that "you're not aggressive enough Juliet, you need to give them a reason not to go back to sleep, so we just can't hire you." I know it wasn't a big deal, but it ended up being a crushing blow, and I started getting that foreboding 4th grade feeling of teardrops... Yes I know it's lame, but I ended up crying in front of this poor bald Turkish man who was just doing his job. Simultaneously, my stomach started making really horrible growling noises since I hadn't eaten since 1 because of my stomach virus thing (it all comes out if I eat and I didn't want to fuck up chances of an $11 and hour job that was already a futile chance of acceptance little known to me). So I ended up waiting for an elevator for 5 minutes, all the while trying to suffocate those dreadfully awkward tears.
Finally back on the street, I decided to give my dear friend Brittany a call. She lives right on Market Square, so I just walked over, and we had a good time catching up a bit. She's in an odd love triangle right now, which could prove interesting since she's grouped with both boys next year in a film project. My whole crying at the clean water agency thing was laughable with her, we have so many memories escaping from reality at the A or through Buffy or Sex in the City. Reality just doesn't seem so real when I'm with her. As I was leaving, her and her gay roommate Marcus also left to run to the McDonald's. She helped me out a bit as to how to get to the bus stop as she walked away.
I only knew vaguely from googlemaps where 6th street met 5th street, and could find the right signs. So I tracked down the next stop, Smithfield and 6th, but couldn't see the 500 on the bus stop sign. So I asked a man in a pink shirt if he knew whether the 500 stopped there and he told me that it stopped in front of a steak house, and that if I kept going straight on 6th then curved to the left, I'd see it. So I went on my way.
I thought I found the bus stop at the corner of 6th and 5th, but it was fraudulent relief. I'd already missed 2 buses and my mom called worried asking if she could pick me up. I flatly refused since I had a perfectly good transfer and a working pair of legs, but I started to reconsider when a man asked me if I had any change for the bus, then started a very odd conversation after I told him I wasn't employed. He asked with a disgusting expression "can you dance?" Then said, "naw, you couldn't do that, it would change you." From that point, the 500 passed the stop and I cried, "shit!"
So I started walking to the next stop a street up while that guy asked someone else for "change for the bus" and found that the next stop actually had the 500 on the sign. Another woman waiting with artsy reading glasses said she just missed it too, i mentioned I'd been one block off, then realized she didn't care the least bit. I looked to my right and saw that guy asking me for money walking over...bastard. So I called my mom and asked her if the offer still stood, she said yes of course.
Thereby follows more attempts to be cold and unfeeling, but failing miserably. He tried to touch me while talking about how Aries and Scorpios are compatible, and I jumped back with flash backs. While waiting, I ended up squatting down a yard away from the man which was fine. He told me he has four kids and doesn't have any diseases - you know just in case one thing leads to another.
A middle-aged street urchin hobbled over in a drunken stagger and seemed to know the guy next to me. He gave the crazy man a menthol cigarette and asked him if he was drunk, on zanex, meth, or just not mentally sound. The man said he wasn't mentally sound. The swaying man almost stepped on my foot, so I decided to get up. He told the man "don't get to close to my shortie, she's innocent." Following that he continued to ask me to sneak out with him. Any questions he asked me lead me to give him a fake persona... sure I live in Bellevue, sure I have a boyfriend, sure I have 3 brothers. Finally, my mom called, and I jetted, giving the desperate man nothing but another big fat no, which he's probably used to by now.
Then my dad lectured me on how night life in downtown is full of gang bangs and prostitutes, and of how he got into a fight on a bus, and what a fool I was for even talking with anyone. I am a fool. I'm curious and want to understand things most people bypass for greater dreams. By the time I got home I felt deflated and finally ate some babaganoush and humus with sun-chips, which is still churning in my stomach ( and it's 2:18). Thank God for Kyle though, he helped me get some thoughts out on the phone and laugh a little. Lately, I've been feeling like such a useless leech with no wonderful talent or even minimum income.
Sleep time, let the subconscious mind do the rest of the thinking while my stomach churns, churns, churns.
Today was one of those shitty Pittsburgh days I used to have back in the day... the kind of days you forget about when reminiscing about that walk in the park and that trip to the show.
It started around 12am. I drove into Bellevue so that I could take the bus to Manchester to save money on gas and parking since I had interview #2 at Clean Water Action. I still couldn't (and can't) eat much because of the horrible stomach thing, so I was about to buy a bottle of water at the Dollar General before the bus came. Just before I got in line this woman with a ton of stuff stepped in front of me. While the woman and the cashier were discussing a dress the woman was buying, I saw my bus out front. I left the bottle on the counter with an apologetic, "I'm sorry, it's my bus" and dashed out.
"Creepy Guy #1"After I'm sitting comfortably in the very back of the bus, right in the center where I always sit, this white trash boy named Dan or John or something sits beside me. I glance over and he's hiding something beside his left hand, I couldn't tell if he was texting or doing something shady. Then he proceeds to start awkward conversation, listing all of his good qualities, "I have some classy ancestry, they won't anything to do with my immediate family though, I still have upper crust leanings though, when I drink tea my pinky goes up." Following that charming comment he told me that he was off probation from a felony, but he still couldn't travel very much because of it. I asked him why, hell it could be interesting, why not ask? So he told me his mother died and he needed money for the funeral so he robbed some friends. I felt a sympathetic, but not sympathetic enough to give him my real number.
Then I got off of the bus pretty far away from the Guild (I should have taken 17B instead of 16B), so I had to walk through the ghetto for a half an hour. While walking, I saw a man with buttons all over his shirt, one of which read "I <3 life." I noticed a mad gleam in his eye, and walked a bit faster, wondering if I should go against instinct and take his picture while he called "you look really good!"
After a boring hour of watching him call people, we ended up doing the same. At first I had false confidence - I am too amiable on the phone, but nobody ever cared at Telefund... I only got through to five people. Two of them hung up, the other one was on the other line with someone, and the other two just said "sorry, I'm not interested." Other than that I got a lot of answering machines and no answers. For the first time all night I started to feel nervous, he said that if we didn't make any money we wouldn't be hired.
Sure enough, he disposed of Jacquelle outside, then came back to tell me with brevity that "you're not aggressive enough Juliet, you need to give them a reason not to go back to sleep, so we just can't hire you." I know it wasn't a big deal, but it ended up being a crushing blow, and I started getting that foreboding 4th grade feeling of teardrops... Yes I know it's lame, but I ended up crying in front of this poor bald Turkish man who was just doing his job. Simultaneously, my stomach started making really horrible growling noises since I hadn't eaten since 1 because of my stomach virus thing (it all comes out if I eat and I didn't want to fuck up chances of an $11 and hour job that was already a futile chance of acceptance little known to me). So I ended up waiting for an elevator for 5 minutes, all the while trying to suffocate those dreadfully awkward tears.
Finally back on the street, I decided to give my dear friend Brittany a call. She lives right on Market Square, so I just walked over, and we had a good time catching up a bit. She's in an odd love triangle right now, which could prove interesting since she's grouped with both boys next year in a film project. My whole crying at the clean water agency thing was laughable with her, we have so many memories escaping from reality at the A or through Buffy or Sex in the City. Reality just doesn't seem so real when I'm with her. As I was leaving, her and her gay roommate Marcus also left to run to the McDonald's. She helped me out a bit as to how to get to the bus stop as she walked away.
I only knew vaguely from googlemaps where 6th street met 5th street, and could find the right signs. So I tracked down the next stop, Smithfield and 6th, but couldn't see the 500 on the bus stop sign. So I asked a man in a pink shirt if he knew whether the 500 stopped there and he told me that it stopped in front of a steak house, and that if I kept going straight on 6th then curved to the left, I'd see it. So I went on my way.
I thought I found the bus stop at the corner of 6th and 5th, but it was fraudulent relief. I'd already missed 2 buses and my mom called worried asking if she could pick me up. I flatly refused since I had a perfectly good transfer and a working pair of legs, but I started to reconsider when a man asked me if I had any change for the bus, then started a very odd conversation after I told him I wasn't employed. He asked with a disgusting expression "can you dance?" Then said, "naw, you couldn't do that, it would change you." From that point, the 500 passed the stop and I cried, "shit!"
So I started walking to the next stop a street up while that guy asked someone else for "change for the bus" and found that the next stop actually had the 500 on the sign. Another woman waiting with artsy reading glasses said she just missed it too, i mentioned I'd been one block off, then realized she didn't care the least bit. I looked to my right and saw that guy asking me for money walking over...bastard. So I called my mom and asked her if the offer still stood, she said yes of course.
Thereby follows more attempts to be cold and unfeeling, but failing miserably. He tried to touch me while talking about how Aries and Scorpios are compatible, and I jumped back with flash backs. While waiting, I ended up squatting down a yard away from the man which was fine. He told me he has four kids and doesn't have any diseases - you know just in case one thing leads to another.
A middle-aged street urchin hobbled over in a drunken stagger and seemed to know the guy next to me. He gave the crazy man a menthol cigarette and asked him if he was drunk, on zanex, meth, or just not mentally sound. The man said he wasn't mentally sound. The swaying man almost stepped on my foot, so I decided to get up. He told the man "don't get to close to my shortie, she's innocent." Following that he continued to ask me to sneak out with him. Any questions he asked me lead me to give him a fake persona... sure I live in Bellevue, sure I have a boyfriend, sure I have 3 brothers. Finally, my mom called, and I jetted, giving the desperate man nothing but another big fat no, which he's probably used to by now.
Then my dad lectured me on how night life in downtown is full of gang bangs and prostitutes, and of how he got into a fight on a bus, and what a fool I was for even talking with anyone. I am a fool. I'm curious and want to understand things most people bypass for greater dreams. By the time I got home I felt deflated and finally ate some babaganoush and humus with sun-chips, which is still churning in my stomach ( and it's 2:18). Thank God for Kyle though, he helped me get some thoughts out on the phone and laugh a little. Lately, I've been feeling like such a useless leech with no wonderful talent or even minimum income.
Sleep time, let the subconscious mind do the rest of the thinking while my stomach churns, churns, churns.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
June 8th
Ouch. My joints hurt, my head is a brick, and I've had the ria all day. I just went to Jonah's Call with my dear sweet mother and started contemplating death and the frailty of humanity. How after of vulnerable, easily swayed bodies deteriorate there is something that can keep us alive. Some call it a soul given by a divine being. I believe that there is a Father looking out for us, but that there is a chasm between the supernatural and the world we live in today. The barrier is our humanity. With this life I want to be someone loyal and honest and hard working. Right now, I feel week, but reality is impermanent.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
June 7th
Today was wonderful, it started out slow and lethargic... woke up at 10:30 with a foggy brain and an urge for a surge of coffee. After two cups, I went over to Sewickely for one last job search at the Sewickely Cafe. I was surprised to see Julia and Matty from Avonworth. Matty came over and asked about Laura who I presume has been distancing the lovestruck fool. Then I met my mom at the yarn shop where she was picking out turquoise and red yarn for a blanket she's going to crochet for me. She just finished one for Linda, he best friend, and it is beautiful - all the time and effort collectively makes the blanket radiate love.
This excursion was followed by a quick drop by the library, then some lunch with the family.
I decided to go out and be social around 5 and went to my friend Alex's graduation party. I was a little nervous since I haven't seen many people from Avonworth since I graduated... In face, I actually try to avoid some. However, it was fine and I'm glad I stopped by. Funny Alex was already tipsy when I got there. As I left, he tried to give me a hug from a pick-up truck and almost fell over.
Alex putting his shirt on after being pushed into the water by his older brother Chris.
Immediately after the graduation party I ran back to my house and grabbed Lisa's graduation present (a cute little bear and a card). With so many mistakes and blunders yesterday I missed her graduation by a hair (I got there when the lights in the field were on, but not many people were still there).
I met Lisa in the Hyatt lobby in Cranberry where she came up behind me, surprising me with her ADORABLE little brother Hunter. The first thing I said was, "whoa! so you have a baby now?" Then went up to meet the other side of her family. For the past few years I've only been around her mom, Heather, and Lucas (and occasionally the grandparents on her mom's side), but I've never met her Cuban half. Her father is tall and wore a golf shirt that said "Life is Good" and her step mom Jill is lean and pretty with long blond hair with a hint of a tomboyish nature. Her abuela (grandmother) was friendly and rotund and kissed me on the cheek the moment I met her.
We all played with Hunter and were entrance by the funny things he continued to do. At one point Lucas was laying on the ground and Hunter body slammed him once, then got onto his back as if he was riding a bull. He bounced up and down while Lucas made funny "AH" noises to the receptive uproar from the adults.
Then Lisa drove us to Chili's in this rented SUV. They insisted that I sit shotgun and I felt honored to be upfront. At Chili's Lisa and i shared margarita chicken and lemon zest shrimp with steamed veggies and mashed potatoes. Once we received our meal with an extra plate for me, Lisa's abuela made a fuss about me. She said (in Spanish, so I got a translation from Lisa's dad) that I was making a hungry face and that it wasn't enough food for me. I tried my best to communicate I was fine and had eaten a late lunch, and after a bit of time she accepted it. Poor baby Hunter got ornery and tired throughout the dinner and ended up crying sporadically and ate part of a cardboard coaster.
Back at the Hyatt, Doug met us with his mom's new Volkswagen. He wanted to show Lisa and probably show it off to Lisa's dad (points). I don't blame him though, it is a sweet car. It's hard roof worked like a transformer and folded back in an intricate way to reveal a convertible. This model is the only car to have a moon roof in a hard roof. He drove Lisa, Luke and I around the block to demonstrate the smooth ride. I love the new car smell. Ever since Margie, a real estate agent, drove my family around in her new car when I was 9, I've been a sucker for that smell.
Once we were back in the room, Hunter continued to bumble around with a rickety posture, ready to fall at the slightest imbalance. He's comparable to an old man with his drunken walking and his baby teeth just coming in. Doug and Lisa looked like naturals holding Hunter affectionately. Hunter kept running with a large sofa pillow, then he'd plop it down and fall on top of it in a tired resignation. No more than 3 seconds and he was back on his little feet again, dancing about erratically.
Watching Jill care for her baby was very sweet. She was continually on her feet running after her energetic offspring. I reached the conclusion, that that kind of work is some of the most meaningful work. Caring for another human being as a mother is the most selfless and endearing thing. I definitely want to adopt or have my own children, but not until my mid-30s. Now is the time for independence from relationships and an exploration of the world. Not to mention I need to develop more skills so as to be successful or at least useful later on.
I felt so comfortable sitting with her family that I lost track of time. By the time I looked at my phone to catch the time, it was already 11:30. I made my round of goodbyes and can't wait to go up with Lisa to visit them in the Key West mid-July.
In the car I had an animated chat with Kyle, and now I think I'm going to read and sleeeeep.
This excursion was followed by a quick drop by the library, then some lunch with the family.
I decided to go out and be social around 5 and went to my friend Alex's graduation party. I was a little nervous since I haven't seen many people from Avonworth since I graduated... In face, I actually try to avoid some. However, it was fine and I'm glad I stopped by. Funny Alex was already tipsy when I got there. As I left, he tried to give me a hug from a pick-up truck and almost fell over.
Alex putting his shirt on after being pushed into the water by his older brother Chris.Immediately after the graduation party I ran back to my house and grabbed Lisa's graduation present (a cute little bear and a card). With so many mistakes and blunders yesterday I missed her graduation by a hair (I got there when the lights in the field were on, but not many people were still there).
I met Lisa in the Hyatt lobby in Cranberry where she came up behind me, surprising me with her ADORABLE little brother Hunter. The first thing I said was, "whoa! so you have a baby now?" Then went up to meet the other side of her family. For the past few years I've only been around her mom, Heather, and Lucas (and occasionally the grandparents on her mom's side), but I've never met her Cuban half. Her father is tall and wore a golf shirt that said "Life is Good" and her step mom Jill is lean and pretty with long blond hair with a hint of a tomboyish nature. Her abuela (grandmother) was friendly and rotund and kissed me on the cheek the moment I met her.
We all played with Hunter and were entrance by the funny things he continued to do. At one point Lucas was laying on the ground and Hunter body slammed him once, then got onto his back as if he was riding a bull. He bounced up and down while Lucas made funny "AH" noises to the receptive uproar from the adults.
Then Lisa drove us to Chili's in this rented SUV. They insisted that I sit shotgun and I felt honored to be upfront. At Chili's Lisa and i shared margarita chicken and lemon zest shrimp with steamed veggies and mashed potatoes. Once we received our meal with an extra plate for me, Lisa's abuela made a fuss about me. She said (in Spanish, so I got a translation from Lisa's dad) that I was making a hungry face and that it wasn't enough food for me. I tried my best to communicate I was fine and had eaten a late lunch, and after a bit of time she accepted it. Poor baby Hunter got ornery and tired throughout the dinner and ended up crying sporadically and ate part of a cardboard coaster.
Back at the Hyatt, Doug met us with his mom's new Volkswagen. He wanted to show Lisa and probably show it off to Lisa's dad (points). I don't blame him though, it is a sweet car. It's hard roof worked like a transformer and folded back in an intricate way to reveal a convertible. This model is the only car to have a moon roof in a hard roof. He drove Lisa, Luke and I around the block to demonstrate the smooth ride. I love the new car smell. Ever since Margie, a real estate agent, drove my family around in her new car when I was 9, I've been a sucker for that smell.
Once we were back in the room, Hunter continued to bumble around with a rickety posture, ready to fall at the slightest imbalance. He's comparable to an old man with his drunken walking and his baby teeth just coming in. Doug and Lisa looked like naturals holding Hunter affectionately. Hunter kept running with a large sofa pillow, then he'd plop it down and fall on top of it in a tired resignation. No more than 3 seconds and he was back on his little feet again, dancing about erratically.
Watching Jill care for her baby was very sweet. She was continually on her feet running after her energetic offspring. I reached the conclusion, that that kind of work is some of the most meaningful work. Caring for another human being as a mother is the most selfless and endearing thing. I definitely want to adopt or have my own children, but not until my mid-30s. Now is the time for independence from relationships and an exploration of the world. Not to mention I need to develop more skills so as to be successful or at least useful later on.
I felt so comfortable sitting with her family that I lost track of time. By the time I looked at my phone to catch the time, it was already 11:30. I made my round of goodbyes and can't wait to go up with Lisa to visit them in the Key West mid-July.
In the car I had an animated chat with Kyle, and now I think I'm going to read and sleeeeep.
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